I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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