i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
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