You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
