If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
