I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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