Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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