you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
