I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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