Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
