My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
