She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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