i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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