i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
