I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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