I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
