I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
