just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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