oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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