Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
