where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
