in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
