I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
the liver wants what the liver wants
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
