Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
