Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
