you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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