In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
