glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
