I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
