am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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