dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
