im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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