Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
