At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
