I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
