Sober January is a disaster.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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