summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
