CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
