I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
