When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
