Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
