i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
