I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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