hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
