I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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