I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
