Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
These tits shall not be calmed
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