I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
