at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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