Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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