He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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