I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize