Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
