I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
