So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How does one acquire holy water?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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