The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you never un-have a 4some
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
