I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
