Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
try to milk me bitch
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