So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
