enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
