Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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