she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
