I got chris browned last night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
