I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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