U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
