i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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